Blog Entries

  So of course, since my college friend Kim and I have gorgeous children of the same age and quite compatible in nature, we decided to secretly get them together. By secretly, we mean for them to not know or be aware of our plan for them to meet. Kim and I were afraid that if they knew of our plan, they would totally be against anything their mothers tried to generate. Therefore, we consequentially concocted several plans in order to get our youngest kids together but were never able to succeed. Due to busy lives, sick parents, work, girl or boyfriends, bad timing and the Covid 19 pandemic, Kim and I did not speak of our plan for almost two years. I however, did not give up on our plan since I knew these two would make the perfect couple. I also was excited about the prospect of Kim and I being related by marriage and furthermore, allowing our friendship to continue as family. I was delighted in the idea of us celebrating holidays, weekend get-togethers, vacations and spoiling our beautiful grandbabies together. Knowing that Kim’s daughter Karli, was an art major as I had seen some of her brilliant art work, I knew that Karli was a tremendously talented up and coming artist. Therefore, I commissioned her to paint an abstract painting for my newly painted and redecorated bathroom. Numerous times and throughout the months of waiting for her to complete the painting, I hinted to her about meeting up with my son, Colton. Many times, I suggested that Colton and I would meet her in her town and pick up the painting. I felt that this was the perfect shatterproof plan. She and Colton would never know what hit them. They could meet up and never suspect my brilliant plan or know of my intentions. They were going to instantly fall in love and live happily ever after. Plus, I was going to get a fabulous piece of art as well as a daughter-in-law out this marvelous deal. Win-win for Kim and I! Finally, Karli texted me to tell me that the painting was finished. Yay, Oh happy day! I again suggested that she and Colton meet up. I partially told her of my plan and that Colton did not know that I was trying to fix them up and hoped that she would be interested in meeting him. Not that Colton needed any help in getting a woman, I was just trying to speed things along. Karli quickly responded by texting, “Thanks so much and I am sure that Colton is a great guy but I have a lady friend and am not interested in meeting him in that way.” What? Wait what? How have I read this situation so wrong? She is not into men? So, she only likes girls? I cannot believe that I did not pick up on this. I definitely have no gaydar. Perhaps my excitement neglected me from reading the proper signs. Why did Kim not tell me? In any case, the joke is on me. I am thrilled that Karli is in a happy, loving and successful relationship but terribly disappointed it is not with my son. Goodbye pretty grandbabies. Yes, I admit that.

  In the 9^th grade of High School, the Marching Band had been chosen to play at Disney World in Florida. I was lucky enough to have been chosen as an extra helper to the Marching Band and able to go on the trip. We rode buses from North Carolina to Florida and it was a great trip, long, but great. On the way back to North Carolina and at approximately the 10^th hour out of 15 hours, I sat beside a cute boy named, Steve Curry. In the dark of the night, we started kissing and I let Steve feel me off above the bra, for about three minutes. It was the first time that I had let anyone feel my boobs and I am positive that it was also Steve’s first time of feeling boobs. Many years later, a week before our 20^th Class Reunion, I told a friend Buck about our Florida trip home and how I had let Steve feel my boobs. Unbeknownst to me, Buck shared this news with several people. The night before the reunion, at the Meet and Greet, Steve’s wife Penny, followed me around all night. It was strange because I didn’t know her that well and found it odd that she stayed by my side all night. Every time I tried to talk to Steve, she would get in the middle of us and block our conversation. Finally, I asked Penny, “Hey, what is the deal Penny? You are staying close by my side all night and we really don’t know each other that well.” Penny replied, “Ok, I just need to know something. Have you ever slept with my husband?” I was completely taken back and immediately, everything made sense as to her peculiar behavior all night. I said, “Penny. I have never slept with Steve. Although, in the 9^th grade, I did let him feel my titties once.” Penny appeared to be fine with my answer, went on about her business and finally, left me alone. Thanks Buck! Yes, I admit that.

  I had to temporarily stop shopping at a certain grocery store because every time I shopped there; I ran into an old high school acquaintance who was employed there. His name was Kenny Womack. Kenny was such a nice guy and I had fond high school memories of him but Kenny sure liked to talk. I think he might have gotten temporarily fired because people complained that he would take up so much of their shopping time. Kenny would talk and talk and reminisce of high school events and school mates that you may or may not have known. Many times, I would stop and talk but after a while, it became a problem because I never had an extra hour to talk to him. One night, I was shopping at another store when I saw Kenny out of the corner of my eye. I thought, “Fuck, I don’t have enough time to waste by talking to him forever.” So, I pretended that I did not see him and quickly turned away by walking in the opposite direction. Just as soon as I turned around, I heard Kenny loudly and several times, call out my name. I turned back around and said, “Well hey Kenny, is that you? How in the world have you been doing?” Kenny said, “Girl, I know you saw me. It ain’t like you ain’t saw me. Why you acting like you ain’t saw me.” I lied and lied and told him that he was terribly mistaken but I am sure that he never believed me. Yes, I admit that.

  Since my husband Clay are the same age, with him being older, we threw ourselves a 50^th year birthday bash. It was a great party and we still get compliments on how much fun it was even after all these years later. We hired a DJ, had the food catered, a friend and florist Ted, arranged beautiful flower arrangements, ordered a keg and had loads of booze, and we danced the night away and had line dances. It was a great night for an outside party that was full of laughter and excitement. I had placed disposable cameras on all the tables and scattered more around inside the house. The DJ was instructed to tell everyone to take photos throughout the evening. I took approximately seven cameras to the photo booth to be developed. After receiving the photos, we all excitedly looked through the photos. They were hilarious and we enjoyed reliving the birthday night. The last batch of photos were of somewhat of a surprise. They showed several guests with their private boy and girl parts showing. We saw buttholes, boobs, pubic hair and dicks. These guests were very careful as to hide their identity but with our sleuth abilities, we were able to figure out who they were by the clothes that they wore that night. We could not believe that the photo booth actually developed the photos but they were a hoot to look at. Yes, I admit that.

 Every night, I diligently helped my sons with their homework. My forte’ was projects. They always made perfect scores on projects. I was also very good at helping them with spelling, reading and science. However, I was terrible with helping them with math but always gave it my all. That is, until one day when I received a personal note in Colton’s backpack from his 5^th grade math teacher that read,

“Dear Ms. Moretz, as much as we appreciate your helping Colton with his math homework, we are asking you to please, please stop helping him with math. Please leave this up to his teachers.”

Yes, I admit that.

  So, I have a friend who had rather not be named by telling her story. She is not proud of her actions and has not been able to except her shamefulness or come to terms with it. In this case, let’s call her Karen. Day after day, Karen drove by a particular area of which she began to noticed something strange. The first day that she passed this particular spot, she noticed that flowers in pots had been laid. Karen was pleased that someone was trying to beautify the land. The next day, she saw a chair with more pretty flowers sitting around and additional flowers strewn on top of the chair seat. The third day, Karen saw that flags and hats had been arranged in the area. The fourth day, she saw political signs planted everywhere in the area. Karen did not like this particular political person therefore; she was offended by these signs. Every day that she passed this spot were more and more political signs and it just made her angry. She did not like being reminded of this political person because she thought him to be disgusting and bad for her country. Karen tried for months to not notice the political signs and would look away when she passed by this particular spot, even though, day after day more signs were added. One night on Karen’s ride home, she saw a big banner with this political person’s face on it. She had had enough! This was on the side of the rode and she felt as if someone was littering up this area. Karen could not take this anymore because seeing this man’s face daily was more than she could bare. Karen stopped her car, got out and looked at all the liter that someone had created. Karen started pulling up the political signs and jerked down the rather large banner that was hanging in the nearby branches. Karen threw everything in the back of her car and drove away. Karen found a dumpster at a store and threw all the trash away which made her feel much better. The next day, she told a friend about what she had done and explained why she felt so furious and justified for doing so. Her friend told her that a young man had been killed in that exact spot and the family had been adding items of their son’s favorite treasures. The friend told her that she had desecrated a memorial to their son. Karen felt appalled in herself. She did not know of this young man’s death or that this was a memorial spot placed in his honor. Now you know why Karen would not give her name! Yes, she admits that.

  My best friend April and I took an exquisite lovely trip to the beautiful city of Prague in the Czech Republic and also to the amazing city of Rome, Italy. We were supposed to be met at the Intercontinental Airport Leonardo de Vinci or also simply known as the Flumicino Airport which was approximately 30 minutes from Rome, with a chauffeur who was holding a sign with our names on it. We were so excited and felt so fancy and big headed that we could hardly stand ourselves. Besides going to Mexico and the Caribbean Islands, this was the most further that she and I had ever traveled. Once we arrived in Rome, we could not find our luggage. We searched and searched but to no avail. Four hours went by before we could find a nice person to help us. No one wanted to help the dumb Americans who could only speak one language, which unfortunately, in our case, was English. Finally, we found our luggage but had regrettably missed our shining moment of viewing our names and riding in a limousine to our hotel. We had to take a taxi, but once we got to the hotel, we decided that we needed a much needed drink. Therefore, April and I excitedly walked down the streets of Rome and found a street side café. We were exhausted and our mood was somewhat bitchy and thought a glass of wine would help us calm our nerves. April and I went inside to the café and April asked for two Dos Equis. As she was placing our order, I remember thinking, “When in Rome” but knew that Dos Equis was not an Italian beer. The barkeep quickly remanded her and said, “We are in Rome my lovely American lady, not in Mexico and you must taste an Italian beer. Let me recommend Peroni, you will love it.” He kissed his fingers into the air. April agreed and took both the beers to the outside café table. The barkeep came outside and asked if we wanted a bicchiere or ghiaccio. Of course, we had no idea what he was asking us because it sounded like he was asking if we had gas! Later, we found out that he was asking if we wanted a glass or ice with our Peroni. The Peroni was excellent and has become one of my favorite beer’s. Once he walked away, we sat at our little street side table and giggled for the longest time. We giggled, chuckled and laughed and felt like Lucy and Ethel surviving in a foreign country! Finally, we could relax and enjoy our beautiful surroundings. While touring the city, we discovered guys who were selling counterfeit purses and handbags. Oh we had to have those. April and I decided that the purses would be our souvenirs and gifts. During a magical day of touring, we found ourselves to be lost within the city of Rome. April and I had just enough euros to purchase the counterfeit handbags but not enough for handbags and a taxi. We also could not remember the name of our hotel to even get back to it. April and I probably walked ten or fifteen miles that day. We were exhausted but had to have our purses. By luck and a prayer, we finally found the guys that were selling the purses and knew that we had to be close to the hotel. April and I each bought three bags. They were fabulous! We were so tired after our day of shopping and touring everything and anything, that we were too drained and weary to do anything else but go back to the hotel and rest! We learned a very important lesson on that trip though and it is never to leave your hotel until you know the name of it or the street address! However, we did end up with some fabulous knock off purses and pocketbooks! Yes, I admit that.

In 2001, seven of the twelve ladies from our Birthday Club decided to go for a weekend excursion to Las Vegas, Nevada. While on the plane and after several glasses of wine, we decided to add an additional group to our club which became known as the Travel Club. We booked our rooms into the luxury resort and casino, the Mandalay Bay. I am a country girl, so the Mandalay Bay was the largest hotel I had ever seen or stayed in. The Mandalay Bay consist of 3,209 hotel rooms, 43 stories, 24 elevators and a casino of 135,00 feet that is owned by MGM. The first day, we all hung out together and went everywhere as a group. As we all got more confident and acclimated with our new environment, everyone ventured off into different directions. I had always followed everyone and never took notice of directions or my personal surroundings. I should have known better, because I have absolutely no sense of direction. In any case, I informed everyone that I was going to the room to get more money out of the safe for more gambling. I had allowed myself $400.00 to gamble, since I did not have any idea of how to gamble or play any games. However, my first memory of gambling was when I was 11 years old on a cruise ship with my family as we sailed to the Bahamas. I remember going into the casino all by myself and hearing in the background, my favorite song playing, Honky Tonk Woman by the Rolling Stones. I won several jackpot coins until they realized I was underage and playing the slot machines. They then quickly ushered me out and told me to not return. In any case, I take off to my Mandalay Bay room and entered an elevator. Believe it not, I was on the elevator for 45 minutes! Apparently, only certain elevators take you to certain floors. After I figured out the error of my ways, I still rode a different elevator for 30 more minutes! I finally sank to the elevator floor and began to cry. Luckily, some extremely nice people, took pity on my ignorance and helped me to find my way where I could finally return to the Travel Club group. I was so shaken by my disorientation that I told the ladies that I refused to go anywhere without them. I further told them that I was now a sheep and would only follow and was definitely unable to lead. That weekend, after much teasing, we also started the phrase of “Baa Baa Baa” of which, I gladly admitted to being a sheep and was not at all insulted or offended. After staying at the beautiful, fabulously huge and luxurious Mandalay Bay, give me a smaller posh Holiday Inn, Hilton or Marriott any time! Yes, I admit that.

When you have children, you will quickly learn that bribing your children is a great way to get them to behave and do what you asked of them. My children were bribed daily and I don’t regret it one bit. One day, my older sister Vicki, my son Adam, our niece Samantha and I were out shopping and goofing around. Adam was 7 years old and Samantha was 8 years old and at this particular age, they understood and were wise beyond their years. As were all of the offspring kids, who were well versed on not ever misspeaking or telling their mothers, aunties or grandmothers that they looked old or fat. This was already a rule ingrained into their young brains. Unfashionably, and while ordering our meal, Vicki looked at her niece and nephew and said, “Adam and Samantha, how old do you think I am?” They both looked at me with terror in their eyes as they knew that this was taboo and not a subject that we discussed. Adam answered first and proudly answered, “Well Aunt Vicki, I will say that you are 31 years old and not a day over.” Samantha being a year older and a bit wiser, proudly proclaimed, “Oh Aunt Vicki, you are easily 26 years old.” Vicki reached into her pocketbook and handed Samantha a crisp $10.00 bill. Adam looked at me in confusion and I just smiled at him. Later, on the ride home, I gave my sweet child a $20.00 dollar bill and told Adam that I was proud of him and that he gave a great age answer. Yes, I admit that.

 After a year of incessant pleading and begging, I finally gave in and took my 7-year-old son Colton, to see the movie, The Perfect Storm. Even though, I had never heard of any details to this particular movie, I was nonetheless excited to see it because it featured George Clooney, Diane Lane, Mark Wahlberg and William Fichtner among many other great actors. Of course, and by the title, I knew it had to do with a storm but that was all that I knew about it. During the very intense and terrifying movie, Colton began to get upset. Within the dark theater, I calmly whispered to him to not worry because the stars of a movie rarely and if ever, die. I further told Colton that those fishermen, who were fighting against all odds and struggling to survive on their tiny fishing boat that was continually being swallowed up by ginormous 20’ waves, were going to get through this perfect storm. I said, “Don’t worry baby, they are going to be ok. Just wait and see.” Soon after I told that to Colton, the fishing boat sank and everyone on board, drowned. After the movie was over, Colton stood up and yelled, “Why did you lie to me, they all died Mom!” He then started crying and cried all the way home. I felt like the worst Mom in the world and worried that I had cause severe trauma and damage to his young little psychie. Once we got home, Colton ran to his dad and told him how I had lied and that everyone had died. My husband Clay, asked me why did I lie to him. I told Clay that I did not know that they were going to die and never do the stars of a movie die. Clay then proceeded to tell me that this was based off of a true story aboard the sword-fishing boat, the Andrea Gail. He further explained that in October of 1991, a clusterfuckery of weather conditions had combined together about three killer storms within the North Atlantic and had caught the commercial fishermen unaware within it. I asked him why he did not tell me this vital information before I took Colton to see it and he told me that he thought I would know these facts and that everyone knew this. Well, I didn’t. Needless to say, Colton slept between us in our bed for approximately two weeks. It took twenty years but we can now laugh about it. Yes, I admit that.