Blog Entries

  Some friends and I went to visit my sister Jayne in college. We were in high school and always enjoyed our visits to stay with Jayne. The drinking age was eighteen back then but of course, none of us high school girls had any identifications. Therefore, Jayne borrowed some ID’s from her college friends who lived in the dorm. Just in case we got into any trouble, Jayne made us memorize the name and date on the ID. We were extremely happy because now, we could get into the bars and drink beer. Throughout the night, we had easily entered into several bars with no trouble. It was fun sitting at the bar and ordering a beer knowing that we were underage. Close to closing time, we went to one last bar called, Pantana Bob’s. We were waiting in line behind each other when the bouncer stopped us dead in our tracks. He looked at the ID, held up his arm for us to push backwards. He looked at the ID again, looked at my friend, looked at the ID, looked at my friend and finally said, “Nope. Nope, you are not this girl. This is not your ID. You want to know how I know this?” We all shook our heads up and down because we didn’t know what words to say. We knew we were busted but were not sure what he was going to do. The bouncer then said, “I know this is not you because I know this girl. I slept with this girl two nights ago. And no, this girl is not you. Move it along ladies.” Yes, I admit that.

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  My son Colton had a date with his new girlfriend Annabeth at her company Christmas party. Before he left, he came out into the den and asked which of the two ties should he choose. I picked one but could not help notice how cool his black pants were. I asked him where did he get those pants and he said that he found them in his closet with the plastic dry cleaner’s bag on them. I told him that he looked really nice and to have a great time. The next morning, I found his black pants in the laundry room and looked at the tag. Those cool black pants that I had complimented were actually mine. They were my Ann Taylor black pants that I had lost and sadly, given up looking for about a year ago. When I confronted Colton about the pants, he laughed and said, “Well, you know, I thought the pockets and button were in weird places. Also, the crotch area was loose and had lots of room. Actually, several girls complimented my pants last night.” We had a great chuckle and I was happy to have found my favorite pair of black pants. The only problem was, my pants looked better on him than they did on me! Yes, I admit that.

Our friends April and Howard invited me, Clay and two other friends, Kim and Bob for a Carolina Beach weekend at their new home. We had not seen each other in a while, so we were all excited to be together again. We spent the day at the ‘Rock The Beach Festival’ on the beach. It was a gloriously beautiful day and perfect for an outdoor concert. The guys had set up a fancy cool tent so that we would be protected from the sun. As dear friends do, we had fun partying, giggling, singing and jamming to the music. All day long, we enjoyed great music, a warm breeze, sunshine, fabulous friendship and food and drink. Unfortunately, the bathrooms were extremely far away. It was an exhaustingly, long hot haul to walk that far from our tent. Furthermore, the bathroom lines were ridiculously long. For most of the day, we peed in the ocean but the under-tow was crazy rough and it became too scary and frightening. As the day went on, the crashing waves became larger and more powerful. One super rogue wave flipped a guy upside down and an ambulance had to be called for him. Luckily, I had discovered a nearby outdoor shower by the boardwalk and discreetly began peeing there. I told April and Kim about my bathroom find but Kim refused to pee there. I told them that it was easy and all they had to do was pretend that they were showering the sand off while peeing and no one would know. It was a breeze and a brilliant idea! April was delighted and gleefully sashayed over to our new bathroom spot. For some reason, April just stood beside the shower and peed. She spread her legs while the pee rolled down her legs. Then she showered! It was obvious what she was doing and I could not help but laugh. Soon after she finished, a couple of city policemen walked over to her and asked if she had just peed. She told them that she had absolutely not, but they had first hand witnessed her bathroom release. They told her the next time that she peed to please do like her friend had done, pointing at me and pee in the shower where the water can wash it away! I did not know that they had also seen me pee. Little did we know, the nice and handsome policemen had been standing on the boardwalk all day and watched us each and every time. Yes, I admit that.

  Our family attended a wedding for our nephew Burton and his bride, Ashley. After the wedding, we were ushered out to a lovely outdoor garden area. My husband Clay, sons Adam and Colton and Clay’s cousin Zac and I were standing around in a non-configured circle. Zac was currently going through a divorce and we were all surprised to see that his wife Jen was also in attendance. Jen had recently undergone a full body make over and looked absolutely stunning. She wore a tight low cut blue dress that aptly emphasized her new perky high raised boob job, plump rounded ass job and long hair extension of a hairdo. For thirty years she had smaller boobs than me along with beautiful blond shoulder length hair. Currently, her hair was a long flowing style with a dark brownish-blackish color. It took me several minutes to recognize her as she looked entirely different however, she did look amazing. With Zac standing so near, we had not had a chance to talk about Jen’s new look. Therefore, while standing together in the circle, I texted Clay, Adam and Colton and asked them what they thought of Jen’s new transformation. Clay first responds with he likes her stiletto high heels. Adam responds with he can’t stop staring at her ass and Colton text back that he likes her big breast. Standing beside each other, we are giggling while texting back and forth not wanting Zac to know that we are talking about his soon to be ex-wife. Zac takes notice and says, “OMG, are all of you standing here texting each other? You guy’s are being ridiculous, why don’t you just talk to each other?” We apologized for our rudeness and put our phones away but never admitted to what we were discussing. Yes, I admit that.

   My Mother-in-law Mary invited the entire family together to her house for Thanksgiving. After doing what Americans do best at Thanksgiving, I was a complete glutton. I had over-eaten by stuffing my mouth with everything available. After Thanksgiving dinner and dessert, we all retired into the den with much bigger bellies than before dinner. Everyone was enjoying each other’s company and conversation by laughing, teasing, talking and reminiscing. Soon into the conversations, I began suffering with excruciating stomach pains. I felt like I needed to poot was afraid that if I farted, it may permeate the room with foul smell or worse, that I would shart. Sharting is surprising yourself as well as your underwear with shitting them when you thought you were only going to fart. Hence the combination of words that equal, shart!  I sat there as long as possible in silent agony. Slyly, I excused myself in order to sneak away into the bathroom. Unfortunately for me or everyone in the other room, the bathroom is located four feet in proximity from the den. I immediately started having diarrhea. Apparently, one of the many foods that I had ingested was disagreeing with my bowels. After having massive poos, I flushed the toilet but it would not all go done. I flushed again and the toilet started to overflow. Oh fuck me. The dooky water started to overflow onto the floor. I quickly ran out in order to get my husband so that he could help me. Having Clay to see what mess I had made and the disgusting smell, was embarrassing enough, but knowing his family would also soon know what I had done was unbearable. My sweet husband, took charge and fixed the problem. He never said a joking word and on that Thanksgiving Day, he made me love him even more. Yes, I admit that.

  One weekend, our son Adam, brought his roommate Jonathon, home from college for a visit. Jonathon was first greeted by our dog Maxx who would not stop snarling and barking at him. Maxx behaved badly all weekend by growling and constantly trying to bite at his ankles. It was completely embarrassing and we could not apologize enough. The only explanation for his behavior, was that Maxx was barking at his dark skin. Jonathon is a very handsome black man with a beautiful body. We kept kidding with Jonathon and told him that Maxx was not used to beautiful bodies. Every time Jonathon visited; Maxx continued with his abhorrent personality and viciousness. No bones about it, Maxx apparently did not like Jonathon. Several years later, a rogue tornado ripped through our hometown and landed approximately a mile from our home. We were fortunate, but others were not as the tornado devastated many homes and companies. In the meantime, Jonathon called Adam to check on us and told him that he hoped the tornado had taken away our racist dog up into its funnel. Yes, he admits that.

  In the 7^th grade, I had a brownish-tannish colored dog named Sandy. She was a sweet and happy dog who had the cutest face. Sandy was always excited to see me and greeted me after school with her big wagging tail while jumping up and down. One day after walking home from school, Sandy did not greet me. I thought maybe she was playing with another dog in the neighborhood so I didn’t think much of it. I dropped my books in the kitchen, got something to drink and walked into my bedroom. I noticed something weird on the dresser therefore, I walked over to investigate. OMG, you will never guess what it was. On my dresser was half of Sandy’s tail! I grabbed the the tail, ran back into the kitchen and started screaming and crying. My mother and sister Jayne ran into the kitchen to calm me down. Jayne had accidentally slammed the back-porch door onto Sandy’s tail. It had sliced his tail right in half, into a precise sliver. No blood or anything. They didn’t know how to tell me the dreadful news so they put it on my dresser for me to find. All of a sudden, Sandy ran out with her poor little half of a wagging tail. Yes, I admit that.

  Clay and I, well mostly Clay, installed a new washing machine in our home. We did not get a chance to use it before we left for a beach trip. Once back from the beach, I loaded the washing machine with dirty wet and sandy clothes. I turned on the brand-new washing machine and nothing happened. What the hell. This is crazy. How can a brand-new washing machine not work? Immediately I called Lowes, complained, bitched, raised hell and made a complete scene on the phone. Within an hour, Lowes dispatched two men to find out why it was not working. Within minutes they had discovered what was wrong. They said, “Hey lady, can you turn the water on? That may be why this machine is not working.” FFS, who turned off the freaking water. Humbly, I thanked the two nice men, apologized and watched them walk away laughing. After calling my husband and explaining our stupidity, he replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot I had turned off the water before leaving for the beach. I did not want it to leak.” Thanks Clay. Yes, I admit that.

A week before our 40^th high school class reunion, I took Clay to my hairstylist Kristen, to give him a salt and pepper fancy new hairdo. His hair is almost and totally gray, so I thought this style would look good on him. I can’t believe he listened to me because his fancy new hairdo had turned out awful and I do mean awful. Clay looked like one of those men who has a wife who is afraid for them to age gracefully. His hair was not streaked with white and black but was completely black all over. This particular style, was not at all what I had envisioned in my head. In any case, Clay boldly attended the reunion with a midnight black hairdo. His classmates were kind and didn’t laugh at him although, one classmate told him to just shave it off. The next day, after photos were posted on Facebook, our oldest son Adam called. Adam asked what did we do and to never, ever dye his dad’s hair again. Yes, I admit that.

  One Sunday, my three sisters and I agreed to go with our mother to church. Church begins at 11:00. Our mother, my two sisters, Vicki, Judy and I showed up at the appropriate time and assumed Jayne had changed her mind. The fourth sister Jayne arrived as we were singing the last and final hymnal. We all looked at her in surprise and moved over for her to sit down. When she sat down, we started giggling and pointed to our wrist. She whispered, “What do you mean, I am early.” Jayne had arrived at church at 11:55, a whole 55 minutes late. She had forgotten about daylight savings time! The following year, Jayne and Vicki went to church on daylight savings time again. This time, they arrived an hour early. Once they realized the error of their ways, they quickly scurried out and went for a Bloody Mary. Vicki and Jayne never returned to church that day. Yes, they admit that.