Blog Entries

My sweet friend Donna gave me the prettiest and best smelling homemade soap. While taking a shower and bathing the soap all over me, I thought, this soap sucks, it doesn’t soap. There was absolutely no lather. What the hell? I didn’t have on my glasses but I could make out a small crease on the side. Damn, no wonder, I had forgotten to take off the plastic wrapper. Yes, I admit that.

  My niece April was going through a rabid divorce. Her soon to be ex-husband Andy, was a real dick. Andy was a typical alpha male who thought men were highly superior to women and constantly treated her as such. Finally, April realized that he would never change, saw the light and wanted out of his self-righteous holier than thou one sided, ‘I am the man’ marriage. One afternoon, my sister Vicki was babysitting her three grandsons, Nate, and twins, Drew and Luke. She was in the car driving the boys to the park. On the way, April called and started telling Vicki something terrible and typical that Andy had recently done or said. Vicki replied that he was a big D.A. and that she would be home soon and they could further discuss Andy’s assholery behavior without little ears listening. After she hung up the phone call, Nate said, “Mimi, what does D.A. mean?” Not wanting to tell her grandson that she was berating his daddy and that D.A. stood for dumb ass, Vicki quick thinkingly replied, “Well Nate, D.A. means dilly alien.” Nate thought about it for a minute and said, “Oh OK. Hey you dilly aliens in the back seat, be quiet!” From that moment on, dilly alien has become our family’s go to word for when we want to call someone a dumbass without them knowing. Yes, she admits that.

My cousin Cheri, her father and my Uncle Bud, children Will and Kaitlin and sister Dara, all went to Chicago to see her husband Chris run in the Bank of America Chicago 2001 Marathon. Chris had given and asked Bud to hand him several packages of very important energy gel packs at approximately the 18^th mile. Even though this was not Chris’s first marathon, he reminded the family about the importance of these energy gel packs because many marathon runners ‘hit the wall’ at this particular mile into the race. Hitting the wall means that usually around the 20^th mile, the marathon runner’s body transitions in the race from being hard into being ridiculously hard and sudden fatigue and loss of energy usually occurs. The energy gel packs help to refuel and hydrate fluids back into the body and muscles. Therefore, Chris stressed how important these energy gel packs were to him. He said to the family to watch for him at the meet up spot of the course and he would get the energy gel packs then. Chris had gotten to the 18^th mile earlier than expected. The family saw him within the marathon runners and told Bud to get the energy gel packs out of his back pack. Bud hurriedly rushed to get the foil packs out while Chris was getting closer. Bud handed several energy gel packs to Will who then handed them to Chris as he ran by them. Chris grabbed the foil energy gel packs and continued on his course. Chris put a couple of packs into his pocket and kept one in his hand for a short distance. He eagerly ripped open the much-needed energy gel pack only to discover that Bud had handed him a foil package of handi-wipes instead! Bud confused the two because they were both foil packages. Chris could not believe his eyes. He cursed and threw down the handi-wipe on the ground and continued the marathon. Despite his father-in-law’s mix up, Chris finished the marathon at a good time of 3:27. Yes, he admits that!

I invited my friend Cindy on our family vacation to Long Beach, N.C. I wanted to go fishing on the Long Beach Pier and asked if anyone wanted to go with us. No family members wanted to go so Cindy and I gathered our fishing poles, along with a bucket and went to the pier to fish. We bought a pound of shrimp for bait at the tackle shop, paid for our fishing tickets and walked out to the end of the pier. We sat down and looked at the ocean which was beautiful. We propped our poles up against the rail and put the shrimp into the bucket. Cindy asked if I wanted to smoke a joint with her. She said a friend from college had given her a sensimilla gold doobie and it was supposed to get us good and high. I thought, why not, sure let’s smoke it. There were a lot of fisherpeople on the pier so we decided to go to the bathroom and smoke the joint. Cindy pulled out a great big fat joint and we took turns smoking it. By the time we had finished, we were definitely good and high. We laughed and laughed for what seemed like hours and decided we needed to leave the small dingy and dark bathroom to go fishing. We walked out of the bathroom and realized that the day had turned into night. We walked a few feet to go to the end of the pier where all of our fishing equipment was but suddenly realized, that we were not going to be able to make that walk. I told Cindy that I needed to go back into the bathroom. Cindy said that she wanted to go back also. All of a sudden, we both switched from crazy mad laughter and euphoria into two paranoid lunatics. We became intensely aware of our surroundings and practically ran back into the bathroom. We felt as if everyone on the pier knew that we had been smoking pot in the bathroom and would not stop staring at us. Cindy and I stayed in the bathroom for several more hours. We never did go fishing. Finally, we were able to leave the bathroom and walked to the end of the pier. We gathered our fishing supplies and threw the shrimp into the ocean. Once we got home, everyone asked why were we gone for so long and that we must have caught a bunch of fish. We told them that we did not catch any fish but that we did catch a buzz. Yes, I admit that.

My Mama, or who is famously called by many as Ms. Ann, is known near and far for her grace, beauty and style. While referring to her four daughters, of whom she will defend to her death, she will frequently say, “Well, we can not all be beautiful, smart and gorgeous.” However, Ms. Ann is mostly known for being an incredibly fabulous, intelligent, stylish, highly spirited, feisty, loving, family oriented, courageous, hardworking, strong warrior of a woman and independent social butterfly. The saying, “If Moma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” completely describes Ms. Ann. She has been married three times, widowed twice and birthed and raised four daughters mostly, as a struggling single mother. She is an amazing woman. Once while in the hospital, Ms. Ann kindly informed the doctors and nurses that if her boyfriend was visiting, they were under no circumstances or allowed to ask her age or tell what year she was born. Ms. Ann said that if Queen Elizabeth of England can tell her age especially since they both have the same date of April 21^st, then she will proudly tell her age which is the young age of 45. When people ask what is her age, all of her daughters reply, “Well 45, of course!” She also said that a woman who will tell her age, will tell anything! Ms. Ann proudly brags that when she leaves this good earth of which she hopes to live to 100 years of age, that she wants to go out by being shot by a jealous woman! Nonetheless, in between one of her marriages, she dated a nice man for many years, named Doyce. Ms. Ann and Doyce never married. However, they enjoyed each other’s company immensely. They went out dancing most weekends and laughed at each other’s funny jokes or quirks. They were very compatible. One day, Doyce surprised Ms. Ann with a brand-new white Cadillac. Ms. Ann thought this to be the kindest gesture anyone had ever made to her. She loved that Cadillac with all of heart and drove it everywhere. Doyce, being a possessive man, did not like how she was always gone and driving the car. He constantly starting asking her where had she been? He starting gauging the odometer miles and questioned her every trip. He continued harassing, accusing her of other men, became ridiculously jealous and questioned her every move. After 2 ½ weeks, she was fed up with his constant hovering and badgering. Therefore, Ms. Ann drove her brand-new white Cadillac to Doyce’s house, walked inside and casually laid the keys on the counter. She told him that no man was going to cramp her style, continually falsely accuse her of things and that they were broken up. Furthermore, Ms. Ann told Doyce that he could keep his car and that his aggravation was not worth it. She then walked out of his home and they never dated again. Yes, she admits that.

My friends and I were vacationing at the beach. It was an absolute fun and lovely time of kidding around and laughing. While waiting for my husband to arrive, we all decided that we wanted to go out drinking. Where upon, we decided on a bar named, the OD Arcade where as, we all bellied up to the bar. A man, a stranger, approached me and started talking. He was a nice guy and very personable. The male friends in the group, suggested that he leave me alone as I was a married woman and waiting for my husband to arrive. I did not see the harm in talking to him so I told my friends that he was fine and we were only talking. It was no big deal. The stranger then crouched down to where I was sitting and sat on the foot ledge at my feet. He asked if he could take off my sandal and rub my feet. Well, I thought, that is kind of kinky but I did actually love my feet rubbed and tickled, so I thought what was the harm. He then proceeded to take off the other sandal and rub the other foot. It really felt extraordinary and I did not mind this kind of freaky attention at all. The male friends in the group were getting upset and the female friends were laughing. I ignored them because this stranger definitely knew how to give a girl a foot massage. Whoa, it was amazing. I know I should have asked him to stop or feel embarrassed but it was exhilarating. All of a sudden, this foot ride turned the corner and into a frenzy of ecstasy as he put my toes in his mouth. Soon after, he started licking my whole foot and in between my toes. I looked down at him and said, “You know my feet are dirty?” He said that he did not mind. I was almost going to kick him in the face, but I realized this foot sucking action had literally hypnotized me into a trance like affect. One that I could not explain. It wasn’t sexual but it was erogenous. I have never in my life experienced anything that felt so sensually wonderful. I know it sounds disgustingly gross and made me and the stranger complete perverts, but I did not care. It was the best feeling I have ever experienced. I can only suggest that until you judge me, that you should have it done for yourself. Having your toes and feet sucked by a stranger is pretty close to what heaven must feel like. It was totally stimulating and mind blowing. In any case, the male friends made the sweet and erotic man leave. It took me a while to regain my senses. My friends made fun of me for the rest of the night and later that night, I asked my husband to suck my toes but to my dismay, he refused. In any case, if you ever get the chance, please take it because all I can say is, “Oh hell yeah!” Yes, I admit that.

I have been blessed with a beautiful precious and sweet grandson. He is currently 9 months old and has stolen my heart. My son brought him over to the house one afternoon for a visit which never seems to last long enough. I cannot goo-goo and gaga enough over that child. He is still in his infant car seat where I can rock and adore him while sitting at the table and at eye level. During the visit, and while I was playing P-Pie with him, I let out a little poot. Unfortunately, it blazingly seared around the room like rotten eggs. Both of my son’s and husband stopped talking to one another and looked at the baby and said, “Pew, I think he needs a diaper change; it is starting to smell bad in here.” I, that cherished child’s grandmother or NanNan, did not tell them any different. I let my poor treasured grandchild take the fall for my stinky flatulence. Sorry kid. Yes, I admit that.

Every year, I always awoke my boys up early for the first day of school. I enjoyed the first day of school ritual as it always seemed to start the year off onto a good foot. First, I would slide into Adam’s room, slip under the warm covers and speak softly to rouse him awake. Soon, we would be giggling about all the new friends he was going to make and how excited he was to begin a new school year. My routine continued across the hall with Colton. However, on this particular morning, something was different from past years. As usual, I slowly opened his door, excitedly and quietly crept to his bed in order to gently wake him for school. Yet, what I saw was a big surprise! Colton apparently had reached the age where he did not need his mother to awaken him without warning. Under Colton’s blanket was a big boner teepee. Whoa, hello! Obviously, after that “eye-opening awakening,” I no longer woke them in the same manner and our annual first day of school ritual had changed. From now on, our new first day of school ritual was just like any other school day. From then on, I would open the door but not go into their room. Instead, I would open the door, stand there and say, “Good morning, wake up, we’re going to be late. Don’t go back to sleep! Hurry, eat your breakfast before it gets cold! ” Yes, I admit that.

My son Adam, his college friend and roommate Jonathon and I were vacationing at the beach. After a peaceful day of sunning and swimming, we returned back to the condo for showers and an over indulgence of drinks out on the back porch. We recapped our day while laughing, drinking wine and listening to music. Somehow our conversation steered into the direction of Adderall. I told them that after a friend had told me of the losing weight part of the drug, I had become completely enthralled and decided to research Adderall. I discovered it to be a combination amphetamine and dextroamphetamine prescribed drug. Adderall is used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, aka  ADHD and has a side effect of weight loss. I told Adam and Jonathon that I was extremely curious and was thinking about asking the doctor for a prescription. Although, I have never been diagnosed was ADHD, I admit to easily walking into a room while completely forgetting as to the reason of entering. However, the side effect of getting skinny was a bit too intriguing to not further investigate. The losing weight part of taking this drug had made me all hands on deck. Jonathon told me that he actually had some prescribed Adderall but was leery of giving me any because he didn’t know if it was against the law or not. I continued badgering Jonathon until he finally gave in and gave me one. He said that he was only going to give me a low doze pill so that I could first hand experience how it affected me. Eagerly, I accepted the Adderall, popped it back and washed it down with a gulp of red wine. In approximately less than an hour Adam and Jonathon decided that they wanted to go bar hopping. Through out the hour, they continually asked me how I felt upon taking the drug but didn’t want to leave me in case I had some kind of weird reaction. I told them to go ahead and have a good time and that I would be fine. No sooner had they left; my heart started beating uncontrollably. I started sweating profusely and began to have an anxiety attack. I also overwhelmingly began to freak myself out because all I could think about was my local hometown newspaper writing, “Mother and wife found dead of heart attack after taking un-prescribed drug.” What would my mother think? OMG, I thought I was going to die. I truly thought I was going to have a heart attack and die, right there. I desperately tried to get a grip and laid flat on the floor. I then tried to control my breathing in hopes that my heart would stop beating as fast and with such intensity. No, no no, I can not be found dead sprawled out on the floor. Therefore, I pushed myself up off of the floor, went into the bathroom and applied a little lipstick and blush. I looked into the mirror and scared myself. I looked horrible. My face was white as a sheet and my eyes looked freaky. I brushed my hair and tried to poof it up a bit. I then walked into the den and laid on the sofa. I propped my arm under my head like I have seen actresses do in the movies. At least if I was going to die tonight, I would look graceful when they found me. I tried to give myself breathing exercises in order to calm down. Finally, my heart stopped beating as fast and began beating at a slower pace. Thank God and Goddess! I decided that fat or not, Adderall would not be my drug of choice for losing weight nor will I ever take it again. Yes, I admit that.

So, we are at another family event where our best foot forward is the better approach but yet again…. It was an extremely hot weekend out of town, in Charleston, South Carolina for family and friends to celebrate a big 80^th birthday party for Aunt Norma. The day was filled with various activities in order to get ready for the big gala party later in the evening. Finally, as the outdoor party approached and everyone was dressed in their fancy attire, we waited outside the hotel for the party buses to import us to the party. The evening was spectacular with bands playing in various areas as well as a high school marching band. The food was incredible and delicious and set up in diverse stations throughout the party. The best, was a station that was supplied with all the lobster tails that you could eat as well as any alcohol that you could imagine.  The worst, were the no-seeums, or for those not familiar with bugs in the south, no-seeums are invisible little biting fuckers. The party was an enormous success and Aunt Norma was thrilled with the results. Afterwards, and back at the swanky Charleston hotel, several of the adults decided to attend the hotel bar. I had lost most of my crew and sat with my brother in law, Hal. As family and outlaws will do, Hal and I began chatting about the party and dishing on some of the family members. I kept asking the waitress for a glass of water and on my behalf, Hal continued asking her as well. Hal and I continued drinking while waiting for others to arrive and join us. I had drunk a lot of wine and was desperately thirsty. Therefore, I continued asking the servers for a glass of water as they would pass by but still, to no avail. Finally, I looked down and saw an extremely pretty glass filled with lovely flowers, which I assumed was the way this fancy hotel served glasses of water. Therefore, I drank it. After the first gulp, I took the pretty flowers out, laid them on the table and finished drinking the full glass of water. It tasted a bit funny, but I was so thirsty that it did not matter. Fulfilled, I smiled and looked over at Hal but he had the funniest expression on his face. He gave me an oddly familiar feeling of my doing something wrong. A look that made you wonder if everything was fine. I said to Hal, “What?” He silently continued giving me a weird wild eyed expression until the waitress set before me a glass of water. A glass of water no doubt, without any pretty flowers in it. I then looked at the glass that I had previously drank out of and noticed that it was a vase. The waitress picked up the flowers and delicately placed them back into the vase. Finally figuring out why Hal had made me feel so insecure, I realized that I had drank the table flower vase decoration. Yes, I admit that.