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I have reached the 60^th year in my life and feel compelled to share some of the wisdom and knowledge that I have learned and acquired through over the years and along the way. I wish someone had told me of some of these significant life facts. Would I have listened? Perhaps, perhaps not. However, I would like to think so, just as I hope that you will value the importance of their worth and perhaps heed a few. Therefore, below are 60 imperative life entrusted morsels that I hope you will find as essential as I.         

                0 to 60 Years of 60 Years 

1.)  As a baby, learn to swim. Take swimming lessons and learn how to feel comfortable in all water related activities and situations. Get your sea legs on. As you get older, swim as much as possible and join a swim team.

2.)   Learn to read and read everything. Learn as much knowledge as humanly possible and never stop learning.

3.)   Learn a second language. Learn as many foreign languages as your brain will retain and process.

4.)   Learn healthy eating habits and especially learn what moderation means. Do everything in moderation. Stop eating when full or before, do not overeat. Learn what portion control means. Do not overfill your plate. Eat to live, not live to eat. Stay away from sugar or try to indulge only once in a great while. Learn nutrition and why nutrition is the key to staying healthy.

5.) Play team sports or involve yourself in activities. Learn to play as a team and remember that there is no ‘I’ in ‘Team’. Be active daily. Play outside if possible.

6.) Make friends that make you smile or laugh. Hang out with people who make you feel good about yourself and not bad. Have and go to sleepovers and slumber parties.

7.) Be aware of your surroundings. If something or someone makes you feel uncomfortable, trust your gut, your instincts. Tell an adult. Run away, scream. Learn self-defense.

8.) Learn to ride a tricycle, bike, skateboard, water ski, fish, snow ski, paint, dance, sing, climb trees, catch frogs, camp out, make a campfire, eat smores, plant flowers. Participate and go to camp, either church, athletic/sports, educational, drama, art or music. Learn to wash and fold clothes.

9.) Be kind to pets, animals and insects. Be a responsible pet owner and feed and clean them. Take them to the vet when needed. Help them to get plenty of exercise. Especially take care of bees by taking care of the environment. Do not kill the non-poisonous snakes.

10.) Learn proper hygiene for your body and dental. Keep your body and teeth clean. Brush at least twice a day. Remember, once your baby teeth fall out and you grow adult teeth, you are not a shark. You will not grow anymore sets of teeth, therefore, take care of the teeth that you have so you will have teeth when you get older. Bathe everyday or at least every other day. Keep your hair clean. You do not want to be the guy that smells. Keep your fingernails and toenails clean.

             11 to 20 Years of 60 Years

11.) Always love, listen to, be kind and respect your parents. Be kind to your family members, including siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Protect your little sisters or brothers from bullies or bad guys. Be sure to fill their buckets and not to poke holes in them. Be a good role model to your younger siblings. Step up and step in. Treat everyone the way that you would like to be treated.

12.) Do not text and drive. Do not text and walk. Pay attention to your neck when on your phone as to not get techneck or textneck.

13.) Make friends. Some friends will become your best friends forever. Be kind, trustworthy, honest and friendly. Smile. Laugh. Laughter is good for the soul. Do not fall into the wrong crowd that makes you feel uncomfortable or do things that you know are wrong.

14.) Study in school, learn, make good grades, do and complete your homework.

15.) Take care of your skin. You will not get more. Protect it at all cost by shade, sunscreen, long sleeves or pants. Always wear a hat when in the sun to protect your face. The sun causes wrinkles later in life. Learn to sleep on your back and not on your sides. Sleeping on your back will elliminate creases and wrinkles on your face, neck and chest. This is very important and the sooner you learn to sleep only on your back, the better.

16.) Do not smoke cigarettes or vaper smokes, drink in moderation. Not to mention all the health risk to heart and lungs, but smoking causes wrinkles later in life. Do not do drugs. You only have a certain amount of brain cells and drugs will kill them. You want to have your wits about you for as long as possible. Save your brain cells. Do not chew tobacco. Do not trust the tobacco industry, they want to get you addicted to nicotine at a young age so as to have you for a lifer.

17.) Learn to change a tire. Learn to sew. Learn to cook. Learn to balance your finances. Learn the value of money. Learn to drive. Learn to play an instrument.

18.) Travel out of your hometown as much as possible. If you are fortunate enough, travel across the country or internationally. Learn diversity. Meet as many new people of different cultures as possible.

19.) Involve yourself in community and school activities. Feed the hungry. Be in a school play. Find causes to help the less fortunate. Vote.

20.) Go to community college or college. Get a degree or learn a trade. Live at least one year in a dorm. Involve yourself in as many social activities as possible. Study and make good grades.

                     21 to 30 Years of 60 Years

21.) Take public speaking classes. Learn to speak publicly until you have the gift of gab. Practice speaking in public so it is as easy as breathing.

22.) Date a variety of people. Do not marry your first love or the first person you date without dating other people first. Dating will help you to learn and decide what you like or dislike about a mate. Do not make any important decisions before dating them for at least six months. It takes that long to see their real true colors. Pay close attention and be aware of the red flags. If several people and family complain or dislike your date, discover what has you blinded to them. Listen, learn and open your mind to what you are not seeing that everyone else is seeing. Be proud to be with and go out in public or to introduce your partner to others. Get your heart broken. Once you have your heart broken, then you learn to be the heart breaker.

23.) Do not get married unless you feel that you can spend the rest of your life with this person. Do not feel that you have to get married if you prefer not. If you are unhappy in a marriage then get a divorce, learn from your failures and carry on. Do not have an affair on your spouse. If you want to have an affair, then do the decent thing and leave your partner without the humiliation of deceit. Love is love. Love who you want because you feel it in your heart, soul and being, not because society tells you who you must or must not love.

24.) Do not overspend or spend beyond your means. Do not get into debt or over your head financially. Learn how to make and stick to a budget.

25.) Decide a career that will make you happy and also plenty of money. Be self-sufficient and rely on yourself and not on someone else. In order to save money, live at home until your parents get tired of you and kick you out.

26.) If in doubt, do not do it. Listen to your inner voice.

27.) If you are sexually active, use birth control and protection. Do not have sex until you are mentally ready and mature enough to lose your virginity. Do not be a slut and give it away or let someone talk you into sex until you are ready. Instead, give it to partners who respect and care for your desires and wishes but only if you choose. Sexually transmitted diseases are not something that you want to get. Be careful out there.

28.) Do not have a baby if you do not want one. Children bring as much joy as pain therefore, do not let society make you feel guilty for not possessing the maternal or paternal instinct. However, if you do decide to have a baby or babies, realize that you are responsible for their health and wellbeing for at least the next eighteen or more years. Give them as much love and attention as you are capable of giving. Your babies are amazing, precious little humans and nothing feels quite as incredible as watching them grow. Be good to them, protect them and love them with all your heart. Fill their buckets instead of poking holes in it.

29.) Stay in touch with your friends. If you come into your hometown, call them up for lunch or drinks. Call or text your friends to keep in touch. Go to your high school reunions.

30.) Learn health and nutrition. Stay active and fit. Do not get fat. Self-educate yourself to learn about healthy eating, fitness and mental health. Join a gym, walk on the beach, in the woods or park. Purchase work out apps or exercise machines. Purchase good quality work out shoes.

                       31 to 40 Years of 60 Years

31.) Don’t be the drunk guy at the party. Do not be that guy. Whether at work or friend or family parties, use moderation while drinking.

32.) Tuck your kids into bed every night. Read to your kids every night. Teach them the value of reading and learning. Kiss and hug them every day. Every day, tell your kids that you love them.

33.) Financially depending, decide if you should rent or purchase a house.

34.) Walk as much as possible. Take the stairs. Park in the blue zone.

35.) Travel as much as possible. Meet new people. Explore new places. Take classes to learn new things.

36.) Watch the sunrise and sunset. Rent an ocean front house and enjoy the beach, view, salt air, sand and ocean.

37.) Camp out under the stars. Learn how to make a campfire. Cook over an open flame.

38.) Keep your family together. Cook and have many meals together. Always try to celebrate holidays and birthdays together as a family. Family is important. The older you get, the more you realize how important family is to you.

39.) Dance in the rain. Dance down the aisle at the grocery store. Take dance classes. Dance with your dog. Dance at parties and weddings. Dance with your kids. Dance with your husband in the kitchen.

40.) Listen to stories that your parents, aunts, uncles or grandparents tell you. Video or record them so you can remember the stories and what their voice sounded or what they looked like.               

                       41 to 50 Years of 60 Years

41.) Go to your kids’ games. Take snacks on your day. Invite the team over to your house for a cookout. Go to your kids’ recitals or chosen activities. Show your children that you support and are proud of their accomplishments. Go on school field trips. Meet your kid for an occasional school lunch.

42.) If possible, hire a maid or house cleaner, even if only for every other week. There are too many things to do in life besides clean your house everyday. However, you do want to keep a clean home.

43.) Help your kids with their homework, projects and school activities. If you are unable to help or see that they are struggling in an area, hire a tutor to help them to catch up and feel confident about school and themselves.

44.)  Show by example and teach good work ethics to your children. Teach them to do choirs such as clean their room, pick up their clothes, pick up after themselves, put away toys, wash, fold and put away clothes, take out trash, load and empty the dishwasher, wash dishes, clean toilet and shower or tub, mow lawn, rake, wash car, vacuum, sweep, a million other household jobs. Teach your children the value of making money and the value of money.

45.) Love your spouse with all your heart. Respect and trust them. Believe in them. Have fun with them. Together, go on trips, laugh, talk politics, watch tv, walk, ride bikes, go fishing, cook, have a boat ride, snuggle, rub each other’s feet or backs, read books, sit on the beach, play corn hole, play cards or board games, swim, watch the sunset, play tennis, go to a play, go to a movie, plant trees, pick berries, talk to and about friends and family, go out to dinner, brag on your kids and grandkids, drink good red wine, fuck. Grow old together.

46.) Plant a tree, plants flowers, pick or purchase fresh cut flowers to put in vases for rooms in your home. They make a room pretty, smell good and make you smile and feel happy.

47.) Teach your kids about keeping the environment clean and green and to not litter.

48.) Teach your kids to be mindful of the temperature in your home. To keep the temperature at a proper level. To turn off lights and to not waste electricity by turning off or unplugging what is not in use. Climate change is real.

49.) Call your parents and see if you can help them with anything such as take to a doctor appointment, pick up groceries, pick up medications. Call just to hear their voice, check on them and let them know you are thinking of them.

50.) Throw a party and invite special friends and families. Have a band or DJ. Laugh too much. Drink too much. Eat too much. Dance too much. Hug too much. Have a photo booth and take as many pictures with friends or family as you can.

                 51 to 60 Years of the 60^th Year

51.) Self education yourself on your health. Be your own advocate or trust someone to be your advocate. Exercise, quit smoking, don’t eat too much, don’t drink too much. Be mindful of your health.

52.) Travel with friends or family. Go places you have always wanted to go. Enjoy the ride. Make new adventures. Travel to not escape life but for life to not escape you.

53.) Be patient with yourself. Love yourself. Be proud of who you have become. Live every minute to the fullest. Laugh out loud. Watch a funny movie. Read a great book.

54.) Recycle. Use stainless steel or glass bottles instead of individual plastic bottles. Do not litter. Take care of the environment. Pick up trash.

55.) Do not use aluminum or non-stick cook wear. Instead use stainless steel, iron or glass. Non-stick is bad for the prostate and aluminum is supposed to cause Alzheimer’s. Neither are worth the risk.    

56.) Take art, educational, music or work out/exercise classes. Keep your mind and body in motion. Learn to weld, learn a foreign language, take pottery classes, take a cooking class. Go to movies or plays.

57.) Make special time to be with and enjoy your grandchildren. Take them to Universal Studio and listen to them laugh. Ride the rides and run around with them. Buy them whatever their little heart’s desire. Play and read to them.

58.) Ride your bicycle on the beach and in the park. Do not ride your bike if you have had too much to drink. Do not answer your phone or text while riding your bike or driving car.

59.) Dye your hair. Men can have grey hair and look sexy, suave and debonair but women, no, unfortunately, look like old ass hags. Get a face lift, Botox or fat sucked out if you want or can afford it. Do what makes you feel better about yourself.

60.) Swim in the ocean. Go to a Jimmy Buffett concert. Go to Paris. Go to London. Go to the Czech Republic. Go to Italy. Go to Spain. Go to Denmark. Go to Ireland. Go to Scotland. Go to Canada. Go to all the high lights in America, such as New York City, DC, Seattle, Austin, Chicago, Atlanta, Savannah, Orlando, Richmond, Raleigh, Las Vegas, Miami, Maine, Boston, the side of Canada that has the prettiest view of the Niagara Falls. Go register and Go Vote.  

“And in the end, it is not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years.”    

~ Abraham Lincoln

Yes, I admit that. 

  My father-in-law HC, was in the hospital for dehydration and not properly taking care of his health. I knew he was a little depressed so I went to visit him in order to cheer him up. On the way to his room, I stopped into the gift shop and bought him a Get-Well balloon and also some fresh cut pretty flowers. When I arrived, he was sitting up in his bed and appeared to be in good spirits. We talked about the weather and his grandkids. I read the paper to him which he seemed to enjoy since he couldn’t find his glasses. I offered to leave my readers but he said no. HC and I have always had a pleasant relationship. We enjoy talking politics and by the end of our conversations, we seemed to have figured out how to solve all of the world’s problems. Each time he would always say, “If only people would just listen to us.” Of course, I would agree because we knew of what we were speaking! HC was wearing a crumpled hospital gown and socks. Every Christmas, we would ask him what present he would like and he always requested pajamas and bedroom shoes. Knowing that I had given HC two pair of pajamas and a pair of bedroom shoes for Christmas, I asked him did he want me to go by his house and bring them to the hospital for him. He replied that he hoped to be going home soon, thanked me for my trouble but declined the offer. He told me that he needed to go to the bathroom and asked if I would walk out of the room. Gladly accompanying his request, I slipped out of his room and stood in the hall. After what seemed like a rather long while, I peeked around the door corner and into his room to see if it was safe to return but he was still sitting on the pot. Oh, how I wished I had waited longer to peer into his room because that visual image of seeing my father-in-law squatting on the pot was one, that I could have done without. In any case, HC summoned me back into the room. I dutifully sat down in the chair that was sitting beside the foot of his hospital bed. I looked over at him and what to my wondering eyes did appear, but my father-in-law with his hospital gown folded up to his waist revealing his underwearless father-in-law man parts. OMG, I just saw my father-in-law’s peckerwhack and balls. Flustered, I didn’t know what to do or say because I didn’t want to embarrass him. Thankfully, and soon after, a nurse walked into the room, saw what I was seeing and quickly pulled down his gown. It didn’t matter because the damage was done. I saw too much, way too much, way, way too much. If only I could go back in time and change that image which made his sitting on the pot, a mere nothing burger! Yes, I admit that.

  During the early afternoon of my senior year in high school, it began as a sharp pain in the middle of my stomach. As the day wore on, the pain had intensified to every area of my abdomen. I did not tell my mother of the pain, because there was a very important out of town football game that night, followed by a big party where the parents would be out of town. I actually thought that I had bad gas or had eaten something wrong. I knew if she knew of my pain or the parentless party that she would not let me have gone to either. During the late afternoon, I rode with friends to the out of town football game but had to make them stop on several occasions in order for me to throw up green stuff. Little did I know that I was having an appendicitis episode. At the game, I went to our family doctor who was also the football team’s doctor and told him that I thought I was going to die of pain. He told me that he thought I was being a little overly dramatic and that I needed to come back to see him after the game was over. I then went to my quarterback boyfriend’s dad and told him how bad I was hurting but he also told me to come back after the game. In any case, I made my friends leave the game and take me home. They all rode in the front seat so that I could lay down in the back seat for the long ride back into town. I fell asleep several times to be awoken by my friends, singing, laughing, getting lost, stopping for food and taking me to the party instead of home. After the game and as the party was getting cranked up, I begged and pleaded for my friends to take me to the hospital. Finally, they saw the urgency and took me to the emergency room. The doctors warned that I had arrived at the hospital within minutes of my appendix bursting. Yes, I admit that.

  With internet and google cooking, learning to cook is so much easier than before google cooking. I grew up with a mother who could cook better than Paula Dean. In fact, my mother could teach her a thing or two about cooking. However, the problem with growing up with a mother who could cook so well was that she did not want any help nor wanted to be slowed down by teaching you anything. Therefore, you go out into the world clueless and uninformed about cooking. Early into marriage and after several burned or non-tasty meals, I realized that cooking was going to take a joint effort, but my husband knew less than me and his cooking was horrible. The first turkey that I cooked, I baked it with the plastic gravy pouch deep inside. Another time of cooking a turkey, I did not take out the livers and gizzards. The first Italian dish that I baked, I did not know that you were supposed to cook the noodles first. I stuffed those large manicotti noodles full of cheese and spinach, baked the dish and never expected the hard-shell surprise. Have you ever set your double oven on the correct temperature only to put the dish into the wrong oven? After one or three hours, you go to take out the meal and it is cold and uncooked. Have you ever taken out your cooked dish and dropped it on the floor before making it to the table? What about burning something so badly in the oven that you have to open all the doors and windows and fan the smoke detector until the smoke clears? Do you have any cooking disasters? Yes, I admit that.

  I heard this admittance from a friend, who heard it from a friend and who also heard it from another friend. It is a story about a gorgeous girl who was a bit insecure of her female prospects and abilities. None of her friends ever understood exactly what caused her insecurities but knew that they apparently were deep rooted. On the outside and first glance, she appeared to have it all together and was incredibly smart, pretty and cleverishly savvy. Yet, on the inside, she was a completely different story. She was blessed with long wavy hair and long, tall legs that could touch the sky. Because she had so many great qualities, it was baffling to understand the reasons for her lack of confidence. She appeared to be the kind of woman who could rock any business meeting in the work environment but in the personal life, she always seemed to fall short and for the shitty guys. At the time, she was in deep passionate love with a guy that she had dated on numerous occasions. She had fallen hard and was already planning her future with him. Constantly, she told her friends how in love with him that she was and also how in love that he was with her. Her friends did not see her infatuation with him and as her usual type, thought him to be an arrogant ass who was only using her for late night booty calls. She would not listen to them as she knew that their love was true. That was until the day that she received a break up text from him. She could not believe that he did not reciprocate her love but mostly was mad that he broken up with her in such an uncompassionate and thoughtless way. Really, a fucking text! She could not believe it. As the weeks went by, she became obsessed with anger because he would not return her calls, text, snap chats, direct messages or emails. If only he would talk to her, she felt it would help to explain his sudden actions. She could not understand why he so cruelly broke it off but especially, why he did not love her back. One day while walking in the park, she spotted him sitting with a group of friends underneath the trees. She was overcome with emotion because she had played this chance encounter of meeting up with him in her head for over a thousand times. When she saw him nonchalantly laughing and having so much fun without her, madness spread through her body like a forest fire. She suddenly discovered something deep within her being that she had not felt in years. Therefore, when she saw his smug assy face, her first impulse was to prance over to where he was sitting and give it to him good. Therefore, without any hesitation, that is exactly what she did. Gracefully, she glided over to him, quickly nodded to his friends and leaned over to say hello. He was caught off guard and flustered and surprised to see her. She immediately began scolding him and told him what a terrible person he was for being such a jerk. She told him that she was only sorry that she didn’t break up with him first. She also told him that he was a terrible lover and that she faked orgasms with him every time that they had sex. She furthermore told him that his friends were stupid, fat and ugly and that she hated him for hurting her and would never forgive him. She then stood up in order to make her grand exit by walking away with the little dignity that she had left. Unfortunately, it did not go as planned. When she straightened up, she flipped her long wavy hair in his face and then up into the air. She then told him that she knew that he loved her hair but unfortunately for him, he would never be able to touch it again. At that moment, her hair caught itself by twirling onto low hanging branches where it tangled all around the limb. She was stuck and could not move, leave or run away. Fuck, she thought. Her ex and his friends kindly helped untangle her hair from the tree. She could do nothing for those fifteen minutes but stand there in humiliation and let them help her knowing that she had just called them hideous names. Within all the embarrassment, she is positive that underneath that tree, that is the moment that she got her groove back. Yes, she admits that.

   One afternoon, my boyfriend Clay of two years, told me that he wanted me to get all dolled up in order to celebrate my 24th birthday. He also said that it was going to be a very special evening and that he had a very special gift planned. What? He definitely had my full attention. Had all my hard work of hinting to get married ultimately paid off? Was the man finally going to come to his senses and ask me to marry him? I was hoping that this was going to be the night and he was finally going to pop that big question. Was Clay going to propose? Well, all I could think was that it was about damn time. Therefore, I bought the sexiest engagement acceptance red dress, matching purse and red high heeled shoes for the occasion. I looked fantastic! I was stunning and going to blow his freaking mind with my style and grace. I also had a mani-pedi to get my nails painted bright red in order to show off the big fat diamond ring that he was later going to put on my finger. He picked me up and took me back to his house where he said he was going to give me my special birthday present. I was so excited that I could hardly breathe. I was sure that he could hear my heart pounding. Finally, I thought, it was about freaking time that he got a clue! After sitting beside me on the sofa he handed me a magnificently wrapped gift with the same similarities to that of a shoebox. It definitely looked like a shoe box. I thought, What? A fucking ass shoe box? This isn’t a small ring box. Damn, Clay is not going to ask me to marry him. My heart sank. I wanted to run out of the room and cry because, he didn’t want to marry me after all. Somehow, I managed to open the box. Slowly and carefully unwrapping the present trying to hide the disappointment and building devastation. I desperately tried to be gracious by sustaining a fake smile and told myself to pull it together and be strong. Do not cry girlfriend, but instead, be happy. These words were echoing inside my head like a loud steel drum, banging, banging. Anxiously, I finished opening the present. Slowly I removed the shoe box top and carefully peered inside. Unfortunately to my dismay, amidst the beautiful paper and bow was not a small ring box but instead a brand spanking new pair of work out running shoes. A fucking pair of work out running shoes, really? Ok girl, I thought, you can do this. Surely, this is a joke, yeah, but the joke was on me. Not knowing what to do or say next, it felt as if the wind had been knocked out. Taking out one of the running shoes, I looked at it and neatly placed it back in the box. Completely numb, yet somehow enduring a smile, I mustered, “Thank you.” He told me to try the shoes on. I told him that he had gotten the correct size and I was sure they would fit. Having the weirdest look on his face, he insisted that I try them on. Therefore, I took one of the shoes back out of the box, took off my pretty red high heel ‘not get engaged’ shoe and put the running shoe on my foot. It fit nicely so I took it off and put it back in the box. He told me to also try on the other one. I did not want to try the other one on because I wanted instead to take the shoe and knock the shit-eating smug grin off his face. Instead, he got down on his knees and took out the other shoe and started placing it on my other foot. In watching him having difficulty getting it onto my foot, my mind weirdly wondered if Cinderella would have liked a pair of ugly ass running shoes instead of dainty crystal freaking glass slippers. I thought to myself, I was sure that Cinderella would not have liked them either. In any case, I tried helping him by pushing my foot further into the shoe but to no avail. He took the shoe off my foot and pulled out a chunk of paper that had been stuffed deep inside the toe of the shoe. Casually he asked, “What is this? What is this wad of paper doing here?” Consumed in self-pity, I began putting on the ugly ass shoe to let him know that it fit. He continued muddling with the paper until uncovering a small object that was hidden inside. Beaming at me, I finally understood what his goofy shit-eating smile had meant. In his hand, he was holding the most beautifully shaped ring box imaginable! In actuality, Clay had been planning this charade and teasing with me for weeks. He did want to get married after all! Inside of the tiny ring box was a beautiful big shiny diamond engagement ring that paired so well with my red painted nails! It has been thirty-three years and still going strong. Yes, I admit that.

  During college at ECU in Greenville, North Carolina, my boyfriend Michael and I traveled several miles away to a Jimmy Buffett concert. We ventured to UNC which was in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, where he performed at an outdoor concert at the Kenan Memorial Stadium. This would have been my third Jimmy Buffett concert out of fifteen through-out the years. While waiting for the concert to begin we were sitting in our seats soaking in the atmosphere of craziness. It was so much fun watching all the Parrotheads do Parrothead whacked things. In the meantime, Michael excused himself to go to the bathroom. The stadium was packed with fans so it took a long time for him to return back to his seat. While waiting for him to return, the people sitting next to me asked if I wanted a hit off their joint. I was not much of a pot smoker but thought sure, this could be fun. They passed a big fat doobie to me several times and I became very high and very quickly. Finally, Michael returned with beers of which I was grateful because my mouth had suddenly drained of all spit. I could barely talk as my mouth was so dry and my lips were stuck to my teeth. I was completely stoned. My new friends passed the joint to me once more and I again took long draws off it. I then passed it to Michael. The guy who had been sharing his joint with me, grabbed my arm and said that I could not pass it to Michael. I asked him why not and he said that he could not share his weed because Michael had a Jew fro. A what? I had never heard of a Jew fro but apparently, it is a Jewish guy with a fro hairstyle. Michael had beautiful dark and curly hair and I soon realized that my new friends were fun but bigoted. In any case, I became totally paranoid and uncomfortable. Just then, the band broadcasted that Jimmy Buffett was on his way to the stage. The fans and place went wild with enthusiasm. Everyone was screaming at the top of their lungs in delight! I was so high, paranoid and excited, that I stood up on top of my seat. When Jimmy Buffett walked out onto the stage, I squealed in delight and jumped smack into the back of the Carolina blue seat that was in front of me. Ouch, that hurt so bad. I felt intense pain in both of my shins. I had to sit down because my legs hurt so badly. Due to the nature of my circumstances of drinking beer and being so high from the bigoted neighbors weed, I soon forgot about the pain. The next morning, I could not get my jeans off because blood had caked and stuck the jeans to my legs. I probably should have gone to the hospital that night but for some reason had forgotten about being hurt. I still have terrible scars on my shins and occasional pain but, it was all worth it. To this day, I wear my Jimmy Buffett scars proudly. Yes, I admit that.

  My sophomore college roommate Cindy and I were best friends from our home town. We were inseparable and loved each other’s company to the fullest extent. She was smaller but we were similar in size, hair and eye coloring and were constantly being confused for one another. We had never drunk tequila before and wanted to try it. So, off to the liquor store we go to get a bottle. Not having experience in drinking liquor, we decided on a fifth of tequila, the one that had the red sombrero hat on top. We had a shaker of salt but needed to stop to get a lemon and also as an afterthought, picked up a large pepperoni pizza. We go back to the dorm and begin drinking tequila. We were going to attend a Zoom party after dinner and shots. The Zoom party was proclaimed to be a huge party and everyone-who-was-anyone was supposed to be there. Zoom was a game that someone discovered on Sesame Street and made it into a cool drinking game. I only remember parts of the game but the gist was to not point with your fingers, however, you were allowed to point with your elbow. Everyone interacted by sitting in circles and Zoom was extraordinarily fun. Earlier in the day, my dorm neighbor and dear friend, Charisse, asked Cindy and I to look after her kitty for the weekend because she was going out of town. Cindy and I agreed even though we were not cat people, but he was such a cute little fellow that we couldn’t resist. Charisse had the coolest jacket that her Nana had handmade her and I asked if I could borrow it for the party. She told me flat out no. In any case, Charisse left us her dorm key so we could feed and water her kitty. After a few more shots of tequila, I went into Charisse’s room to check on the kitty. The kitty was fine but, on the way out, I noticed Charisse’s cute little Nana jacket sitting on the arm chair. I know it was wrong and I should not have but of course, even though she had told me no, I snatched it. Cindy and I continued to down more shots and lick salt off our hand, or that spot between your thumb and index finger. We ate almost all the pizza and drank all but an inch of tequila. We both looked at each other in confusion and couldn’t understand all the elation over tequila because we didn’t feel a thing! We finished getting dressed and took the one-inch bottle of tequila with us. I put the shaker of salt in Nana’s jacket pocket. In any case, I had made plans to meet my date, Eddie at the Zoom party. I remember getting to the party and excitedly sitting down beside Eddie on the couch. Apparently after that, it was lights out because that is all I remember. Except, however, I do remember Eddie saying, “Damn Nan, open your eyes and see what you just did.” I opened my eyes and looked in front of me and noticed a lot of people. I said, “What are you talking about?” He told me that I had just profusely thrown up chunks all over myself, which included Nana’s cute jacket, the shaker of salt in my pocket, the couch, the coffee table and the carpet. The next thing that I remember is waking up alone, but nude, in my best friend April’s bedroom apartment. Oh dear, this is not good. I did have on panties but this tremendously concerned me. Had I been a bad girl or a very bad girl? Cowardly, I walked out of the bedroom after tossing on a t-shirt that was lying on the floor. April was studying in the den and smiling at me. She had brought me home and taken off my clothes because they had been puked all over and put me to bed. April had put all the smelly vomit clothes in a plastic bag and loaned me some clothes to wear home. She was an amazingly beautiful friend to have taken care of me in that manner. She said that Eddie had made sure that I was safe and he went home after getting me into bed. Needless to say, I didn’t see much of Eddie after that weekend. Afterwards, and for several weeks while walking to class on campus, strange people would come up to me and ask, “Hey, are you that girl that puked at the party?” I would always reply with, “OMG, no, that was my roommate Cindy, bless her heart.” Charisse finally and after a while had stopped being mad at me over her Nana’s cute jacket being ruined. I begged for her forgiveness for the remainder of the school year and still feel shame for sullying her favorite treasure. Also, somewhere along the way, I lost the shaker of salt! Yes, I admit that.

   Have you ever encountered fire ants? They are mean little fuckers that cause a horrific painful sting. I had never seen fire ants until this extremely unfortunate day. My husband, the children and I were planning a fun filled sunny beach vacation. However, before leaving the house and while packing the car, my stomach began gurgling with intense and painful sharp sensations. I went to the bathroom before the long three-hour trip but to no avail. However, soon into the ride, I started experiencing terrible shooting pains within my intestinal area. I asked my husband to stop at a bathroom, but he continued driving without stopping. We kept passing fast food joints and gas stations along the way, but he still would not stop. After an hour and a half into the trip, my forehead broke out into a sweat and I felt as if I was going to shit myself. I demanded in a rather loud and stern voice for him to pull over immediately. He said there were no bathrooms for several miles and would have to pull over on the side of the road. I told him that he must stop now or else I was going to crap my pants. I also sarcastically thanked him for passing by all the perfectly good bathroom stops along the way. He pulled the car over and turned down a dirt road where I jumped out before the car had time to stop. Without paying attention to my surroundings, I immediately pulled my pants down and began shitting on the side of the road. I could not help myself, it was a dire emergency. I felt no shame but did begin to experience pain on my feet. I looked down and saw a large mound of red dirt underneath me. I soon discovered that I had practically sat on top of a 12” fire ant mound. It appeared as if the ground was moving with an army of dark brown ants. Yes, I was dirty butt water shitting all over the mound of fire ants. I had never seen a fire ant mound but had heard of them. OMG is all I can say. The fire ants viciously and aggressively attacked my toes, ankles, feet and legs within a matter of seconds. They swarmed up my legs in a blink. I wildly started swatting them off with my hands while I was finishing having diarrhea on top of them. The fire ants are not easy to wipe off because there are too many of them and they are too busy stinging you. They just bite and sting continually and show no mercy! It was easily the most horrifying experience I had ever encountered. I could not bare the pain any longer and tried to wipe my butt as best I could under the circumstances. I half-way pulled up my pants and began sadistically running down the road while trying to swat off fire ants. I ran screaming for help into the air and turned around to get my husband to help me. He and the children did not know what in the world I was doing and they sat there in the car laughing. I was practically panicking and truly thought that I was going to die on the spot. I suppose I was a sight for sore eyes while running down the dirt road with my pants half way on, vigorously swinging my arms and trying to get the fire ants off. I was bitten 32 times on one foot and leg and 35 on the other. I also had 10 bites on my fingers and hands. I can still feel the excruciating pain and torture of those fire ants. They caused excessive swelling, itching and pus filled redness not to mention nightly nightmares. Needless to say, I was extremely unhappy and mad at my husband for not stopping for me to go to a proper bathroom after continually asking him. I have since learned that fire ants were accidentally introduced in the 1930’s through the port of Mobile, Alabama, USA. They can build mounds that grow up to 18-24 inches high. If you are lucky enough to avoid them, then you should do so and at all cost. As I said, they are mean little fuckers. Yes, I admit that.

   After always wanting to know how to weld, I enrolled in several welding classes at a Community College. On the first day of class, I felt so excited and exhilarated to be learning something so important and fun. My teacher walked into the classroom and was really cute. Oh yes, he was fine to look at and I was fully going to enjoy his class and soon felt totally energized. However, and surprisingly, I noticed he had on ugly clothes. Super ugly clothes. They did not look like something worthy of what he would wear or up to his good-looking standards. Nevertheless, after several classes of burning up my shirt, socks, shoes or pants, I realized why ugly clothes were worn. I soon started wearing the same ugly, burned clothes continually to class as well. He got a pass. Yes, I admit that.