Blog Entries

  One afternoon, after a night out partying with the girls, I pulled up to the drive through at a Chick Fillet restaurant. I looked at the menu and saw burgers. Wow, I thought, when did they start selling burgers? Isn’t chicken their big feature? I had not been there in a while and thought maybe I had missed something big. I was a bit hung over and not exactly thinking clearly, but knew that some comfort fast food was just what I needed to make me feel better. Therefore, I preceded to order a large chicken sandwich with extra pickles, a large waffle fry, a 12 pack of chicken nuggets and a large unsweetened tea, please add lemon. The voice over the intercom told me that they did not serve chick fillet sandwiches or nuggets, nor did they carry waffle fries but they could however, serve me a large unsweetened tea with added lemon. I was severely confused, nor understood why I could not have what I wanted or had ordered and questioned as to why not? The voice sternly told me that I could drive immediately over and order that combination from the next restaurant because, the restaurant next to Wendy’s carried that type of food. Oooh, ok, my bad. I looked at the sign with huge wording and realized what was happening. Damn, I was at Wendy’s and not Chick Fillet. I thanked the nice voice and quickly did what she told me to do and ordered next door. I sincerely believe this happens more often than people will admit. Nonetheless, my cousin Cheri admitted that she had done the exact same thing except had driven to Arby’s drive-thru thinking that it was Chick Filet. She wondered why she had not heard of them apparently selling and adding roast beef sandwiches to their menu. Yes, we admit that.

My son Adam went to Las Vegas with several of his friends to a bachelor party. While playing at the gaming table, his friend Evan leaned over and whispered in his ear. He said, “Hey, just so you know if a fine hot woman comes up and talks to you, I mean, a woman who is hotter than usual. Well, a woman who is way out of your normal league, just know, she is probably a prostitute.” Yes, he admits that.

 

  My husband Clay, is a fool for the city when it comes to the appearance of his lawn. He loves his grass to be cut short and for the yard to look immaculate. For thirty-two years and as far as yard work goes, our verbal agreement has worked rather well for us. I do not do yard work. So, imagine my surprise when Clay informs me that he wants to teach me how to drive the tractor so that I can learn how to mow the yard. Hmmmm, ok, I will play this yard game with you, but only because I know it will be short lived. Therefore, on a hot afternoon, Clay teaches me how to drive the tractor, which to my surprise, was rather easy and sort of fun. I soon discovered that Clay had a particular pattern and mowing technique that he down right insisted upon me using. He was ridiculously anal about the lines being perfectly straight and the direction of the grass to be drawn in a particular fashion. Clay demanded that each row must be exactly the same. He soon felt confident with his drilling or coaching and left me to finish mowing without his supervision. After a few times around, I felt a little bored and discarded all of his dumb rules about straight lines, blah, blah, blah and what not. I discovered that circles and the crazy eight patterns were loads of fun to maneuver while driving the tractor and they also created a zany and pretty pattern within the grass. Therefore, I finished my first tractor grass mowing experience with a gratifying feeling of satisfaction. This prideful feeling was short lived when Clay returned and unnecessarily complained about my creative tractor mowing technique. In any case, I knew my circled patterns would drive him insane and that it would be the end to my mowing, tractor driving and yard work days. Yes, I admit that.

As young parents, your children will ask you for every living creature to become their pet. We had fish, puppies, hamsters, turtles, frogs, spiders and lightening bugs. At the time, you think, well ok, having a pet will teach them grand responsibility. Little do you know, is that you become the responsible one and the eventual cleaner of the pet homes, feeder, washer, taker-outer to pee and doodie and in general, the one taking over the task of caring for the pet. In any case, my four-year son Adam, was given by a friend, a large salamander. She was black with yellow spots and a rescue from the Mississippi River floods. We had a large empty hamster cage by a previous pet, that was perfect for her new home and environment. Adam loved her very much and showed everyone who came to visit, his new pet, Sally. Adam slept with Sally beside his bed on the nightstand and included Sally in his prayers every night. Sally ate large stinky red worms for her dinner and I was her chef and server. I gagged every time I had to feed her. While on vacation at the beach, I shoveled a large bucket of sand in order to put in Sally’s home. I told Adam that this would make her very happy to have new sand for her home to dig and play around in. So, we filled up Sally’s new home with the beach salty sand and she went berserk. Sally immediately began running around her home in an excited frenzy. I said to Adam, “Look at how happy this new beach sand has made your friend.” The next morning, we awoke to a terrifying scream from Adam’s room. Throughout the night, Sally had shriveled up into a flat, black and yellow spotted dried out dead pancake. Adam was mortified! He yelled, “This is your fault Mom! You killed Sally with that stupid sand. She wasn’t running around from happiness, she hated her new sand! You are a murderer! You killed my best friend!” Adam was correct, it was my fault. I had killed his Sally. I did not know that fresh water animals were unable to live and succeed in sea salty sand and that the sand would suck out all of her juices. Who knew these things? Adam was mad and extremely sad. I begged and begged for his forgiveness but he refused to give it. He and his father had a funeral and buried Sally in the yard. Adam would not let me attend the funeral. I sat at the table in the kitchen and watched out of the window as they buried Sally. I cried and wept and felt horrible and ashamed. Soon after that and because we already had the beach sand, and an unoccupied home, Adam got a new pet. Our new family member, was a hermit crab and his name was Crabby. Yes, I admit that.

 

  My husband Clay and I, hosted an end-of-season soccer party for our son Adam’s 12-year-old soccer team. We had a pool party and invited the team, parents and siblings. It was a great day celebrating and the kids had fun playing in the pool and eating hotdogs. After everyone left, I started cleaning up the food on the back porch. Occasionally I would check in and look over to the pool to watch my eight-year-old son Colton swim. He was having fun swimming, playing pool basketball and jumping alone in the pool. After a while, I noticed him swimming in the shallow end, over to something black that was floating in the pool. Colton being a typical and curious little kid, gently swam up to the floating black thing for further examination. He cupped his hands and brought it to his face. He smelled the floating black thing and started gagging and gasping for air. He sounded like he was drowning so I ran down to the pool to make sure that he was ok. Colton had held and smelled a long turd. Apparently, one of the kids had doodied in the pool. Yes, I admit that.

  A few years later, we hosted another team soccer party. I had baked a sheet cake and decorated it with green grass, a soccer field, a soccer ball and topped it off with eleven players. It was one of the cutest cakes I have ever made. I sat it on the counter as to wait until after the meal and also so that it would not melt while out in the hot sun. After lunch, Clay and I went inside to get the cake, plates and forks. Everyone was excited about the cake and ready to indulge. As soon as we walked into the kitchen, we noticed the dog’s face had green, red and white icing all over it. Clay and I looked at each other in astonishment and immediately looked at the cake. The dog had eaten more than an entire corner off of the cake. OMG, we didn’t know what to do as everyone knew we were bringing out the cake. I told Clay to hand me a knife and I desperately tried to fix the corner. I swore him to secrecy and we did not tell anyone that the dog had eaten the cake. I tried to serve from only the uneaten dog parts but eventually and as the afternoon went on, all of the cake was eaten. Yes, I admit that.

  My family was at an out of town wedding for my nephew Burton and his lovely new bride-to-be, Ashley. My sister-in-law Sandra, had warned us to behave and to not drink too much as her new in-laws were a very fundamentalist religious group of people. We didn’t think we needed this warning but decided that we would not embarrass our or her new family and would be on our best behavior and act in a proper fashion. Ashley’s hotel room was a few doors down the hallway from ours and she had opened a Bloody Mary bar along with other liquors. I went down to her room and fixed Clay my husband, a very strong Bloody Mary and also a weaker or regular one for me. He came into the room and saw all the liquor choices and decided he would rather have a Screwdriver instead. Not usually a vodka drinker as red wine is my choice of poison, while getting dressed, I drank his drink as well as my Bloody Mary. At the rehearsal dinner, I continued drinking on an empty stomach, but switched my drink over to red wine. I was seated across from my nieces, a sister-in-law, mother-in-law and the wedding party. My husband Clay, my sons and daughter-in-law were seated on my side of the table. Sandra, Hal, her husband and Burton and Ashley were at the top of the table. I went to the bathroom and when I came back to the table, they were giving toast therefore, I quickly slid into my chair. Upon sliding into my chair, apparently, I came in a little hot and slid right out. Swoosh. I slid right onto the floor, in front of everyone. I fervently swore to everyone that my husband had pushed my chair over and that is why I fell on the floor. So much for not embarrassing the family. Yes, I admit that.

  To further add insult to injury upon our family’s name, the embarrassment did not stop at the rehearsal dinner for Burton and Ashley’s wedding. In the hotel, the entire family had rooms that were all located on the same floor. We had fun visiting and helping each other get dressed while openly carousing into the rooms. In order to not have to knock on the door each time, we all flipped the door latch lock to keep the door from closing completely which kept the door ajar and granted easy access upon entering. The wedding was beautiful and went off without a hitch. After the wedding and during the reception, dancing and drinking became the norm. Trying to redeem myself from the night before, I only drank one glass of red wine. After the reception, all of the younger adults went to a local bar that was within walking distance of the hotel. Later in the night, my sons Colton and Adam decided to walk Adam’s new bride of one month, Conley, home to the room because she had drank a little too much and was ready to go to sleep. Adam and Colton were not ready to call it a night so they safely tucked Conley into bed, tightly covered her up with the blankets, turned off the light and flipped the door latch open so when they returned, they wouldn’t have to wake her to let them back into the room. They each had a room key but at the time thought this to be a good plan. After a few more beers, Adam and Colton returned to the room. They flipped on the light and saw Conley peacefully and innocently sleeping however, beside her was a strange man. They both stopped dead in their tracks and were completely confused by what they saw. They grabbed the man and Adam asked him what was he was doing sleeping in the bed with his wife. The stranger had also been at the wedding and was friends of the groom Burton. He too was a newlywed of a few months and politely asked them to leave his and his wife’s room upon falling back to sleep. Colton noticing that Adam was at a loss for words, started shaking the guy to wake him up. Words were exchanged and fighting was imminent until finally the stranger opened his eyes and realized that he was not in his hotel room. He sat up on the side of the bed and realized that the woman sleeping beside him was not his wife. He got out of bed in his underwear and told Adam and Colton that he did not know what was happening or how he had gotten there. He was very confused and Adam and Colton knew that he too had too much to drink. The stranger told them that he needed to borrow a pair of shorts in order to walk to the front desk and get a key. He asked could he bring his wife over in order for them to explain to her what had just occurred. The stranger returned within approximately 20 minutes with his wife standing at the door in her bra and panties. The new bride explained that he had drank too much at the wedding and apparently had woken up to use the bathroom. She could not explain why he was in their bed unless he had gotten confused and walked across the hall and into their unlocked room accidentally. Conley groggily woke up and asked why all the yelling and told them to turn off the bright light. She eagerly fell back to sleep. The next morning at the after-wedding-brunch, our family was the topic of conversation, whispers and finger pointing. Needless to say, we were all happy to pack up and go back home. We never saw our hotel bed neighbors as they had left extremely early the following morning. Yes, I admit that.    

  My sister-in-law Dawn and I were throwing our nephews fiancé’ Ashley, a bridal shower at Dawn’s new home. I had not yet had the opportunity to visit her new home therefore, Dawn gave me the address and code to get into the neighbor-hood gate. After the large metal and impressive gate opened I saw a house and drove up and parked in the garage. I grabbed out of the trunk as much food and packages as I could muster and proceeded to walk into her home. I didn’t ring the doorbell because I knew she was expecting me early in order to help decorate and set up for the bridal shower. It was a lovely home. A large beautiful gorgeous home. I opened the door, poked my head in, and called out to Dawn to let her know that I had arrived. I walked into the kitchen and set the food and packages out on the counter and table. I saw Dawn and a strange man standing at the end of an extremely long hallway. I chatted and chatted while unpacking the food and decorations from the bags and thought to myself that Dawn was acting oddly weird. Why was she not talking to me or answering my questions? I really had expected a different response and a little more excitement about the shower. Not understanding her off-handish behavior, or why she didn’t introduce me to her friend, I continued with nervous small talk while unpacking and setting up. They remained standing at the end of the hallway but the closer I looked, the more I noticed and realized that this lady was not Dawn. I slowly felt the blood draining from my face and felt my heart fluttering while my breath quickened. OMG, I had just walked into some stranger’s home! No wonder they acted baffled, angry and afraid. Now I understood why they looked at me as if I were a looney toon talkative psycho woman. I said, “OMG, you are not my sister-in-law Dawn or my brother-in-law Mike. They looked at each other while shaking their heads and in unison and aggressively said, “No, we certainly are not!” I profusely apologized, clumsily grabbed my packages and started throwing the food back in the bags. I hurriedly got the hell out of their house as quickly as my frightened and shaking legs would carry me. I threw everything in the car and drove out of their driveway burning rubber and gashing gravel. A little further down the neighborhood road, I found Dawn’s home and of course the mailbox was decorated in beautiful bridal balloon and flower fashion. The shower went off fabulously and without a hitch. Yes, I admit that.

Have you ever, and if so, are you willing to admit it? Part 1.

1.)             Have you ever applied roll on blush to your cheeks? It rolls up and out similar to roll-on deodorant and you apply it by rolling a large circle normally followed by rubbing it onto your cheeks. This roll-on blush mimics the illusion of plumper and higher cheek bones. One morning I applied the roll-on blush but forgot to rub it in. You can imagine the looks I got upon arriving at work with two large red clown circles on my face. Yes, I admit that.

 

2.)             Before getting dressed and going out into the world, have you ever put on your entire face of makeup, foundation, lipstick, eyebrows, blush, eyeshadow but somehow, forgot to put on the finishing touch of mascara? Yes, I admit that.

 

3.)             Have you ever checked your teeth in the mirror and noticed a big glob of spinach or some other foreign food particle? Yes, I admit that.

 

4.)             Have you ever searched for your phone but you realize that you are actually talking on it? Yes, I admit that.

 

5.)             Have you ever searched for your readers or sunglasses and they are on your head? Yes, I admit that.

 

6.)             Have you ever worn two different pair of shoes before? Yes, I admit that.

 

7.)             Have you ever seen a friend that you haven’t seen in a while but for the life of you, you cannot remember their name? My go to name is, “Hey girl, what have you been up to?” Yes, I admit that.

 

8.)             Have you ever arrived home after running several errands and noticed that your zipper has been down the whole time? Yes, I admit that.

 

9.)             Have you ever dyed your own hair? Did it turn out the color that you had planned or expected? I colored my hair and it turned bright orange! This was before it was fashionable to have wild colored hair. Yes, I admit that.

 

10.)       Have you ever had a booger hang out of your nose while talking to people? Yes, I admit that.

 

11.)       Have you ever had a big glob of food on your shirt or tie but no one bothered to tell you until you arrive home? Yes, I admit that.

 

12.)       Have you ever poured bleach into the washing machine and it splashed back up onto the clothes you were wearing? Did you know that your clothes are no longer wearable afterwards? Yes, I admit that.

 

13.)       Have you ever found your car in the parking lot, opened the door and sat down, put all your bags on the seat behind you and notice that you have sat in the wrong car? Yes, I admit that.

  If you have ever purchased a new car, you will know that it takes a while to familiarize yourself with all the different bell and sound alerts. Especially, if you are not one to read the manual that explains the various car information, of which I did not. Therefore, on the way home from work one day, I stopped to pick up several items at the grocery store. I bought more food than had originally intended and loaded the back of the hatchback with bags and bags of food. Once I turned on the car, a constant dinging sound continued and would not stop. I checked all the doors but couldn’t figure out what was causing the annoying ding, ding, ding sound. Just then, one of my favorite Jimmy Buffett songs started playing on the radio. I turned it up super loud in hopes of drowning out the dinging sound but it still would not stop. I continued on my journey home and couldn’t stop thinking about the yummy dinner that I was going to prepare once I got home. After pulling out of the grocery store parking lot and onto the highway, I noticed people honking their horns and pointing to the back of my car. Jamming to the music and hardly being able to take the dinging sound much longer, I looked in my rearview mirror. What I did not realize about the constant dinging sound was that it was trying to warn me about a very important message. It was saying, “Girl, your hatchback is not closed properly and danger is inevitable.” I looked over my shoulder behind me and saw that the hatchback was partially up and all of my groceries had been falling out of the back of the car onto the pavement in a long trail. You have got to be freaking kidding me. I immediately stopped the car in the especially high moving traffic lane, got out and picked up as many groceries as possible while trying to avoid getting run over by the angry passer byers. There were broken jars and bottles of pickles, eggs, spaghetti sauce, olives, bread, wine, beer, cheese, hot sauce and two gallons of spilt milk, smashed hamburger, not to mention rolls of toilet paper, menstruation pads and anything you could imagine. People were honking their horns while I was feverously trying to gather as many unbroken items as possible to throw back in the car. Nevertheless, I did not cook dinner that night but instead stopped in a drive-through fast food restaurant on the way home. Yes, I admit that.

  My husband Clay and I were invited to his cousin’s upscale and fancy wedding in Wilmington, North Carolina. After the wedding and awaiting the reception party, we searched for our names and seating arrangement at the various beautifully decorated tables. We soon found our names and were seated at a large round table with Clay’s sister, Sandra and husband Hal, along with other family members and wedding guest. We began chatting and talking about how amazingly beautiful the wedding and reception were and how gorgeous the bride, groom and wedding party looked. The brides dress was simply stunning. It was a spectacular event and an honor to be included at such an extravagant soirée. Soon the wedding party arrived and we began drinking red wine and eating hors d’oeuvres. Later and sitting near us, I noticed my husband’s Aunt Norma, who was the mother of the groom. Aunt Norma is an elegant, gracious and refined lady of distinguished taste and character. She is also very intimidating and scares the ever living shit out of me. For some reason, when I am around her, I stutter and flounder with my vocabulary. Sandra told me to be sure and at some point, during the conversation to compliment her outfit. She explained that Aunt Norma had a clothing designer from New York City design a special outfit for the evening. The white linen fabric had been specifically flown in from Italy and she had several fittings and visits to New York in order to get the perfect style and fit. I had just enough wine to feel confidant to talk to her, therefore, I sashayed over with my red wine glass in hand to where she was sitting in the chair. Aunt Norma always gracefully kisses both of your cheeks therefore, I was going to kiss her cheeks first. I also wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked in her outfit and how lovely the wedding had been. Once there, I clumsily leaned in and accidentally spilled a few drops of red wine on her lovely white designer outfit. With eyes wide in fear, my hands began to shake. My body was in flight mode. If only I could run away. OMG! I tried to wipe the red wine off of her swanky outfit with my napkin but instead, I spilled more wine on her. And then, a lot more wine on her. Oh, the horror. If only you could have seen her face. Therefore, I quickly and shamefully walked back to my assigned seating spot and sat down beside Sandra and Hal. They had witnessed this fiasco and were laughing so hard that they had tears in their eyes. For the remainder of the night, I stayed very far away from Aunt Norma. Sometimes, I think she still harbors anger towards me for ruining her outfit on such a special occasion and night. In any case, years later, Sandra told me that if she or Hal sometimes are feeling a little sad or depressed, they think of the time when I ruined her Aunt Norma’s elegant designer outfit. She said that this particular memory wipes away the blues and makes them laugh and quickly feel better. Bitches. Yes, I admit that.